My Cheap Mother Comes to Visit, Part II

My husband and I (both graduate students at the time) had just spent a significant amount of money treating my cheap mother to dinner (including a beverage). We wanted to go somewhere decent (not Wendy's), and we didn't mind spending a little money since my cheap mother was short on cash. Fortunately for us, she decided to treat us back to make up for her poor behavior of taking advantage of a couple of college students for a free meal. Since she was short on cash, she decided to cook for us. She went to the grocery store and purchased a large bag of egg noodles, a can of cream of mushroom soup, and a bag of frozen mixed vegetables. All of these were generic, despite the higher quality brands being slightly more expensive. I know this because I went with her and said, "Mom, this higher quality bag of egg noodles only costs $.10 more than the generic bag, maybe we should get it." Little did I know that $.10 would be 2.5% of the cost of the entire meal.

The food may have been slightly gross and really cheap, but the story is priceless. Thanks mom!

My Cheap Mother Comes to Visit, Part I

My cheap mother came out to visit my husband and I a few years ago. Right after she got here, we wanted to go out to eat. My cheap mother of course wanted to go to Wendy's because she likes it there and it is cheap. We suggested the Texas Road House, and of course she had brought just enough cash with her to purchase gas and the requisite number of trips to Wendy's (all meals minus breakfast). In order to avoid going to Wendy's for dinner, we offered to pay for dinner. She accepted.

As a child, I was always instructed to order water the few times I was taken out to eat. She ordered soda that night.

Debit Cards

My cheap mother has never owned a debit card. She has never used an ATM. She has credit cards, but probably only because she was drawn in by an offer of a free t-shirt or 2-liter of diet coke for applying for a card. She also purchases cheap computer stuff online, so she probably needs a credit card for that.

So, what possible advantage could not having an ATM/Debit card provide to someone who is cheap? It makes it that much harder to buy anything. Every payday my cheap mother takes her check to the bank, makes a deposit, and gets some small amount of cash back that she keeps in an envelope. This is her supply of cash for the next week, and she will not get more FOR ANY REASON! For example, when she eats all of the hot dog buns, she cannot possibly buy more because she has no cash left, or needs her remaining cash for something more important (probably diet soda that only she is allowed to have).

Composite Pictures

My cheap mother actually liked school pictures, and she would usually shell out some money for the cheapest package, usually while bitching about the price. Those were the days before digital cameras, scanners, and digital picture printing services made it easy to steal pictures. To protect their livelihoods, photographers tend to mark easily copied proofs, making them less desirable to copy. This is not foolproof.

As an undergraduate, I had a formal photo taken for a school organization composite. The photographer, not knowing how insanely cheap my mother is, sent her some proofs with a package order form. This particular anti-theft mechanism was very good as there was a sticky substance on the proofs so that the proofs were easy to see, but copying those proofs produced pictures that looked badly scratched. This was no deterrent as my cheap mother had no problem making several blown-up, scratched copies and proudly displaying them in the house and dispersing to relatives.

CD Burning

By now it shouldn't shock you that my cheap mother would illegally duplicate CDs, DVDs, etc. What might still surprise you is that she would give such illegal copies as gifts. I know what you're saying. Who hasn't given away burned CDs. They're worth like a dime now. I'll give you a whole pile of burned CDs. You can burn my whole music collection. Well, my cheap mother would not, unless you provided all the blank CDs. But she might give you a burned CD for Christmas, or for a birthday.

The best part is that sometimes you'll get a real, original CD, like one that she actually spent money on. But, there's a decent chance it'll be open. That lack of shrink wrap is her little way of letting you know that you did not justify the $15 expense of the CD all by yourself, so she had to open it and burn it for some other people. And you can bet that one of those people was herself.

Hot Dog Buns

My cheap mother really saved money consistently on food, especially when it came to feeding us (remember, she is also selfish). She would only make one trip to the grocery store every week, and some weeks she would buy hot dogs and buns. The ratio of hot dogs to buns would be pretty close to one. Unfortunately for us, she preferred the texture of hot dog buns to regular white bread for eating with hot chocolate. Sugar free hot chocolate and bread (or preferably some kind of bun) is her favorite meal. So, even though she knew we had exactly enough buns to go with hot dogs, she would eat the buns. She would never go buy more buns, she would never plan ahead and buy extra buns (probably too much money), and she wouldn't save the buns to go with the hot dogs. So, how did we eat the hot dogs? We ate the hot dogs on horrible, cheap, disgusting, plain white bread. You may wonder if white bread really absorbs ketchup and gets all soggy and gross. It does.

Collect Calls

My cheap mother hated giving me rides before I got a driver's license. That's why I got to ride the school bus with 19-year-old drug addicts (somehow still attending high school) who would sexually harass me every day. Sometimes I would miss the bus on purpose just for the privilege of walking 2 miles to school, until we moved farther away and it wasn't an option. Plus, I had to make sure my dumb brother didn't get in fights and stuff on the bus.

Anyway, sometimes I had after school activities to attend (though not often--again, my cheap mother hated driving me around, but more on that later), so I needed a ride home. This was especially problematic when I couldn't be exactly sure when I'd be finished. Heaven forbid my mother show up before I was done and have to wait for 10 minutes! Instead, she wanted me to call when I was done, so I could wait for 10 minutes.

Now here's the funny part. I obviously did not have a cell phone. In fact, my mother was too cheap to buy a calling card or give me quarters for the payphone. Instead, I had to call her collect, and use the two seconds in which you say your name to say that I needed a ride. She would then reject the call, and hopefully come pick me up, thereby cheating the phone company out of a free 2 second call.

The good news is, sometimes I actually needed to get in touch with her about something, and having no recourse, was forced to call collect over and over until she finally accepted the charges. So she probably ended up paying more than she would have with the quarters. Sometimes my cheap mother gets what she deserves.